


i can hear a voice (a call, a withering echo)

by citadelofswords



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: COUNTER/Weight Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Gen, See notes for warnings, hints of natalya/jamil and natalya/tea, let the kingdom crew still be friends and look out for each other is the thing, mild body horror, shady medical procedures, the usual rigour related bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 14:45:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citadelofswords/pseuds/citadelofswords
Summary: “Orth,” Addax says, “Rigour got Natalya.”“It WHAT—?!”(or, the one where jace doesn't take natalya's disappearance super well and everything may or may not be okay after all)





	i can hear a voice (a call, a withering echo)

**Author's Note:**

> ell got me sad about natalya in cwrp and asked me to write this and who am i to refuse, even though this became a four thousand word monster with a perfect 1:100 em dash to word ratio
> 
> WARNING: this fic contains depictions of dangerous divine-related medical procedures executed with the consent of a medical proxy, but not the actual patient. there are no descriptions of the procedure and there are discussions of the issues of consent around it. i wasn't sure how to tag these things so if anyone has any advice to make sure everything is properly tagged PLEASE send me a pm on twitter.
> 
> title from from the mouth of an injured head by radical face

"What do you mean you don't know where Natalya is?"

Addax grimaces. "She was working on Ionias and she sent us a message that made no sense and we haven't heard from her since."

"And you haven't gone after her?" 

Addax flinches. 

"Okay, okay. Sorry." Jace settles in his chair, opposite Addax's, and steeples his fingers. "Secrecy is important or whatever, I know, but she's our friend. We should at least check in, make sure she's okay, right?"

Addax nods. "Uh, let me think. We didn't know much about what the others were doing, but she was infiltrating SnowTrak."

"Which is now... Petrichor? Snowtrak and Earthhome?"

"Uh-huh."

"The factions in the sector have been changing so rapidly." Jace rubs his temples. "Okay. What could SnowTrak have found?"

Addax looks down at his tablet, scrolling through details, until his fingers freeze and he looks up. "What is it?" Jace asks, trying to peer closer.

"We need to go," Addax says. "Right now. We need to go find her."

"Oooooo... kay?" Jace says, and doesn't resist when Addax grabs his hand and tugs him out of the room.

 

* * *

 

Addax calls Orth because he was the last person to really be in touch with Natalya, he tells Jace, since they’d tried to keep in constant communication after the war. The first thing that Orth says is that it’s nice to see Jace awake, which he appreciates, but—

“Did you know about the simulation?”

Orth looks mildly guilty, which isn’t really much of a change from how Jace remembers him looking during most of their mission. “Um. Yes? Natalya told me about it, and I swear I wasn’t meaning to disturb it.”

“Orth,” Addax says, “Rigour got Natalya.”

“It WHAT—?!”

“Did you not get Natalya’s message? The one that was just gibberish? Rigour wakes up on Ionias, where Natalya was, and seven months later she sends everyone that message and then goes completely radio silent?”

Orth is silent for a moment, and then says, “Oh no.”

Jace’s heart falls into his feet. “Orth…”

“I think Rigour got into the simulation,” Orth says, and takes off his glasses to rub his temples with his hands. “I think it might have found her. And it’s my fault for letting the Chime in in the first place.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jace starts, at the same time that Addax says, “We have to focus on fixing it, not who’s to blame. Can you help us track it?”

Orth bites his lip. “Uh, yeah. I’ll do what I can. But, Addax, Ibex—,”

“I really don’t give a fuck,” Addax snaps, “what Ibex thinks about this or what he might have to say. And if he finds out, you can tell him that for me.”

Jace has never loved him more.

 

* * *

 

Rigour is… big. That’s the first thing Jace notices. It towers above the skyline even while kneeling, and he stares at it for a long moment wondering what it would look like if it stood.

“We don’t have much time,” Addax says. “She’s likely not leaving Rigour for longer than a few minutes at a time at this point. We need to make sure we catch her before she goes back in, or we may not get another chance at this.”

Jace nods. “Let’s go.”

The streets of September are eerily empty this early in the morning. Jace finds himself stepping closer to Addax as they walk, for comfort or safety or Addax’s protection, Jace doesn’t know, but Addax takes his hand anyway and keeps a steady pace, so Jace evens out his breathing and follows. 

Jace clutches Addax’s hand when they see her, walking down the street. Ten years ago she always looked so put together, but she looks awful now, walking a little unsteadily, hair pulled back into a limp ponytail, and Jace can’t see her glasses anymore.

“Natalya?” Jace calls, without really thinking, but she stops.

She stops, and she turns around and sees them. Her mouth drops open a little bit, and Jace smiles as best he can and starts heading over to her.

Natalya looks up at Rigour, and then she turns away from it and heads for him too.

“Hey,” Jace says. “Good to see you.”

“It’s…” Natalya falters on the word. “It’s good to see you too. Wow. I thought you were—,”

“Not as such, it turns out,” Jace laughs. “Hey, is it rude if I say you look like shit?”

Natalya winces. “A little,” she rasps.

“Where are you going?” Jace asks. “Can we walk with you? Catch up a little.”

“I’m going—,” Natalya hesitates again, looking back. “I’m supposed to go alone,” she says. “It-it’s not really happy?”

“Nat,” Jace says, and reaches for her. Uncertainly, she takes his hand. “Nat, please. Please. I haven’t seen you in ten years. At least come get coffee with me or something.”

“Jace, I have to go. I have so much work to do.”

“Natalya—,” Jace says, and Natalya pulls her hand from his and turns away.

She gets about three steps before she trips and buckles, and Addax is there to catch her as she falls. “Okay, no,” he says, and kneels in front of her, holding her shoulders. “Come on, Natalya. Come with us. We can help— we can.”

“It hurts,” she says, so softly that Jace’s heart breaks with it, and Addax’s face cracks in two.

“Let us help you,” Jace says, stepping forward. “Please. We’re your friends.”

Natalya turns to look back at him, and she looks so young like this that Jace barely resists the urge to scoop her up and carry her to safety.

Finally, she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. Addax immediately stands, and Jace doesn’t know when he picked Natalya up but she’s in his arms and Addax is looking at him.

 

* * *

 

“Where the hell are we going to take her?” Addax asks, twenty minutes later, after a silent walk back to their ship and their taking off. “Who do we know who can help her?”

Jace folds his hands in his lap. Natalya’s in their med bay; it’s lucky Jace knows how to insert an IV. She’s sedated and in a restless doze, but she can’t sleep.

“Sokrates,” he says finally, and turns to the ship’s communications. “We’re taking her to Sokrates. If nothing else, they’ll at least have connections.”

 

* * *

 

Sokrates is at a desk, gold glasses perched on the end of their nose and Integrity exposed to the world, when Jace and Addax are announced. They look up and jump to their feet with a smile. “Rethal!”

“Hey, Sokrates,” Jace says, and he smiles as Sokrates comes around to hug him. He can feel Integrity humming as though in the background, but it feels more soothing than a threat.

“Addax,” Sokrates says respectfully, and Addax holds out a hand. Sokrates beams as they take it.

“So, what do you need?” they ask. “Come on, sit down.”

“We don’t have time to sit, unfortunately,” Jace says. “Can you, can you come with us? You can bring guards too,” he adds hurriedly, as Argus steps forward. “It doesn’t have to be alone. But we need your help urgently.” He pauses. “Natalya needs your help.”

Sokrates’s smile falters. “Where is she?”

 

* * *

 

Within twenty minutes she’s being given the best care possible, and Sokrates, Jace, and Addax stand in a loose circle just at the door outside her room. “There is a way,” Sokrates tells them, in a low voice. “According to Integrity, there’s a way to help her. But it— if it knows, if Rigour knows, it’ll fight back.” They take a deep breath. “It could kill her.”

“So we can’t tell her that we want to put a second Divine in her head to purge the first,” Jace says. “Great. I hate this.”

“I do too,” Sokrates says grimly. “If there were any other way…”

“She could have a medical proxy to make decisions for her,” Addax says. “We can ask her that much. Give her as much agency in this as possible.”

“I still hate it!”

“We have no other choice. She’s going to die if we don’t do anything.”

Jace sighs. “Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

They return to Natalya’s side. Jace settles next to her and brushes her hair out of her face. “Hey,” he says softly. “How are you?”

“My head,” Natalya says, “feels like it’s melting.”

“We’re going to help you,” Jace says. “We’re gonna help as best as we can. Do you believe me?”

Natalya nods. “Do you have a plan? Something?”

“We have an idea,” Jace says. “Not gonna lie, it sucks. But so does the asshole in your head, right?”

She laughs, a little weak. “Uh-huh.”

“We’re going to make this work,” Jace says. “Okay?”

She nods.

“Do you have— fuck, this is such an awful question— do you have a medical proxy? In case— in case something goes wrong?”

Natalya’s eyebrows furrow. “In case you have to kill me.”

“We’re not entertaining that option,” Jace says firmly. 

“You might have to,” Natalya points out, and sighs. “I-I think Jamil is? If— if you can’t get in touch with her, Addax can— I trust Addax.” She pauses. “I trust you too, but you’ve been— you’ve been in the sim for ten years, Jace, I—,”

“It’s okay,” Jace says. “I trust Addax too. We’ll talk about it, okay?” He hesitates. “Try to get some sleep.”

“I can’t,” Natalya says. “It keeps— it keeps waking me up. I have to— I need something to do, with my hands, some work—,”

“Okay, okay,” Jace says, reaching for her. “Nat, breathe, okay? Take it easy. We’re going to fix this.”

Natalya takes his hands and squeezes them tightly. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, okay.”

“Do you want something to help you sleep?” Jace asks. “I’m sure there’s something, some kind of sedative—,”

Natalya shakes her head. “No,” she mumbles. “No, don’t put me to sleep, just, the pain—,”

“An anesthetic, then?” She nods. Sokrates makes a gesture, and one of the nurses flees in search of some. “We’re going to make this right,” Jace tells her. “Okay? We’re going to make this right.”

 

* * *

 

Later, Jace will not be able to recall exactly what it was like to watch Sokrates try to pull Rigour from Natalya’s mind. Nor would he be able to explain it, even if he could remember. It’s a bit of a blur, of stillness and then an angry, inhuman growl, and the sounds of Natalya not being able to breathe. When it’s over, finally, Sokrates staggers back and then collapses, and Jace barely manages to catch them with a gasp. Argus is there between one blink and the next.

“What did you do?” they growl, and Jace looks frantically between them and Addax until Sokrates groans and waves a hand.

“I’m— I’m alright,” they manage. “Fuck, I did not expect it to be that draining.”

“But you knew it could be.”

Sokrates weakly bats at Jace’s hand as he tries to brush the hair out of their face. “Quit it,” they mumble. “Help me stand. I want to make sure it worked.”

Argus stands and Jace remains kneeling as they carefully help Sokrates to a standing position. Argus offers their arm and Sokrates takes it as they stumble forward.

“I’m sorry,” Sokrates says to Natalya, and one of the nurses fumbles for an oxygen mask. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I had no idea that was going to happen.”

Natalya spends a long moment with her eyes squeezed shut, tears still streaming from the corners of them, hands clenched into fists as the nurse fits the mask over her face and she manages to draw in a deep, gasping breath. Addax takes Jace’s hand and squeezes it so tightly Jace feels his bones creak a little, but he doesn’t care, squeezing back just as tightly.

Sokrates brushes Natalya’s hair out of her face and says “Is this okay? Are you— I was trying to help, please tell me I helped.”

It’s a long moment before Natalya manages to get her breath back, but when she does she says, “I felt like I was going to die,” and Sokrates lets out an upset noise.

“I’m so sorry,” they say. “We— Addax said we had to try, and you said you trusted him, and I—,”

“What did you, what did you do?” Natalya’s reaching for them, and Sokrates takes her hand in theirs and squeezes.

“I gave you Integrity,” they say. “Or part of them, for a moment, it’s not permanent, but they— they offered, to try and help, and so you have them for a bit. I’ll take them back, I promise. Just as soon as we know it helped.”

Natalya is quiet for a moment. “It’s quieter,” she says, and her tears have started again. “I feel awful, but it’s quieter, it’s— can I, can you hug me? Please?”

“Oh, Nat,” Sokrates says, and Natalya wraps herself around their waist and clings. “Yeah, yes, come here, it’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re all right. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Come on,” Addax whispers. “Let’s give her some space.”

Jace nods, and lets Addax pull him away.

 

* * *

 

They have Natalya moved to her own rooms, to a bed where she sleeps for thirteen hours straight. Jace, Addax, and Sokrates rotate who stays with her— Sokrates, on their shift, ends up falling asleep with her for several hours until Jace shakes them awake and sends them back to their own rooms.

When Natalya finally wakes up for real, there’s blissful silence in her head, and Jace is asleep in a chair next to the bed. Natalya reaches up to rub her temples and grimaces at how tense and shaky she feels, how limp her hair is, how slowly her limbs move.

But Rigour is… Rigour is gone. She’s no longer its candidate. There’s a thrumming in her heart that must be Integrity, but it’s quiet in her brain, as if it knows.

On the back of her neck is a shard of implanted metal, a piece of Rigour tech that makes her grimace. That’ll need to come out, probably, but not now. Now— she turns on her side and watches Jace sleep for a few moments. She’s still amazed that he’s here, that he came to find her and refused to leave until she came with him. That he cared.

“Jace,” she says, and his eyes open immediately. “Oh.”

“Hey,” he says, and scoots forward in his seat. “You’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” Jace laughs a little as she speaks, and she feels a little better, like this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to her and just a really bad rigger injury or something. “But… quiet.”

“Good.” 

They spend another long moment in silence— comfortably, until Natalya feels an itch to work that she tries to shove down and surprises herself when she’s able to. Holy shit. It almost makes her cry again, knowing that she can just… not. Finally.

But what is she going to do if not work? Not the Rapid Evening, not yet. They’ll just ask so many questions— and the tech in her neck, it’s got to get removed. And preferably destroyed. Natalya looks at Jace and opens her mouth to ask him what the hell’s gonna happen now but Jace takes one look at her face and starts to explain. 

“We found someone to pull the tech from your neck— they’re no Cene Sixheart, but they’ll do. And then you’re welcome to stay as long as you want, Sokrates wants me to tell you, and they’ll help you find housing if you don’t want to stay in the palace, or they’ll get you back to the Evening if and when you want to go back but you don’t have to.”

“Are you going to stay?” Natalya asks.

Jace shakes his head. “Not for— I’m not leaving tomorrow,” he says. “But we have— we’re gonna have a lot of work to do to make sure Rigour goes down and stays down, and we can’t stay here forever.”

Natalya nods. “Yeah,” she says. And then she hesitates, because she’s spent the last year in hiding and then as a candidate and she’s pretty sure she hasn’t been hugged since the last time she saw Tea, almost three years ago, and Jace used to give the best hugs. Maybe he won’t want to, but she lifts her arms a little anyway, biting her lip. “Um. I’m probably really gross right now, but—,”

“Done,” Jace says, and climbs into bed next to her. Natalya slides slowly until she’s pressed against his chest, and then he wraps his arms loosely around her and she relaxes into his touch. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “For everything that’s happened.”

“It’s better,” she mumbles. “It’s— it’s better.”

“I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay,” Natalya says, “not yet. But I-I’m going to be.” It almost sounds like it might be the truth.

“I’m really glad,” Jace says again. Natalya closes her eyes.

Within moments, somehow, she’s asleep again, soothed by the beating of Jace’s heart.

 

* * *

 

The baths in the palace are fucking huge. About the size of a swimming pool, Natalya thinks, and she pauses at the edge of one and nervously looks around, making sure there are no doors or hidden cameras or— as it is she feels uncomfortable sliding into such a nice bath when she’s so messed up, but she needs this. She can do it.

Slowly, she eases her tired body into the warm water and sighs as she feels her muscles start to loosen. She’s been tense for so long that likely she’s going to feel like a puddle when she gets back out— if she doesn’t melt into the water and become one with it first.

Her eyes are fluttering shut, but she can’t fall asleep in here. Not yet. She’s got to wash her hair first. She’s just steeling herself to get out of the bath and find the soaps when there’s a knock on the door and she squeaks, ducking into the water.

“I— someone’s in here!”

There’s the sound of a laugh, muffled by the door, and. She knows that laugh.

“I know,” says a voice. Natalya’s heart swells. “It’s a private room. Can I come in?”

Natalya rises a little, enough that she can speak. “Yeah. Okay.”

The door opens a crack and Jamil sticks her head in with a grin. Instantly Natalya feels a smile grow on her face. “Hey,” Jamil says, and slides the rest of the way inside. Her hair is a deep purple, but it lightens as she comes closer. “It’s so good to see you, Nat.”

“What are you doing here?” Natalya asks, and she moves to the edge of the bath to lean against it. “Did someone call you?”

“Jace told me a week ago when he planned to come after you,” Jamil says, and settles on the tile, heedless of the water soaking her skirt. “I only just got off mission, or I would have been here sooner.” She takes a moment to look Natalya over. “You look like hell.”

Natalya sighs. “I know,” she says. “I’m working on it.”

“D’you want a hand?” Jamil asks. “You’re welcome to say no, but I’m here. And I’d like to help.”

Natalya lets out a quiet breath. “Okay,” she says. “Um, I don’t know how any Apostolosian hair products work.”

Jamil laughs, bright and loud, and it fills the whole space. “We’ll figure it out, then,” she says, and stands up to find the soap. 

Natalya dips under the water for a moment, and when she comes back up Jamil is heading over with a couple of bars of dark brown soaps. “Here,” Jamil says, settling back on the edge and offering them to Natalya. “Tell me which one you like best and I’ll use that.”

Natalya takes the soaps. One of them smells sort of bitter, but one of them is sweet and fruity in a way that isn’t totally overwhelming, and she holds it for a moment before giving it back to Jamil. “This one.”

“Good choice,” Jamil says, with a grin, and Natalya turns back around so Jamil can start to work the soap through her hair. It’s been cut short, had to have been for the electrodes, but it’s been growing back in enough that Jamil’s fingers curve through it and Natalya sighs, eyes fluttering shut as Jamil starts to gently massage her scalp.

“I was really worried about you,” Jamil murmurs, as Natalya starts to relax, bit by bit, under the friendly contact. “And that’s not— it’s not your fault, I just was really, really worried when you stopped answering my messages. I’m glad Jace and Addax found you. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I’m not,” Natalya says, and starts picking under her fingernails, watching the grime float away on the water. “Jamil, I’m not okay, I— It took me. It used me. How am I supposed to be okay after that?”

“You work at it,” Jamil says. “And it sure as hell isn’t easy, but the days it sucks you find a cat to hug and curl up in a big blanket and make it work, and the other days you go get drinks with a friend or, I don’t know, but you show the world that you’re still kicking, even if it’s only for a day before you go right back to bed.” She nudges Natalya’s shoulder so she can dip her head under the water, and Natalya is grateful for the pause so she can think as Jamil works the soap out of her hair again.

When Jamil’s hands leave her hair again Natalya comes back up and twists a little so she can actually meet Jamil’s eyes. “And that’ll work?” she asks.

Jamil looks surprised for all of a moment before she seems to remember the thread of the conversation. “Dunno,” she says. “I was never a candidate for a scary as hell Divine who wants to take over the entire sector. But it’s a place to start.”

They’re quiet for a long while as Natalya scrubs the grime from her skin and picks the rest of the grit out from under her nails, and she feels a little bad as she leaves the water because it’s no longer the clear blue it was before, but as she watches the water ripples and it’s as if someone’s wiped the dirt from a piece of glass. As if she was never there.

It’s somehow a little reassuring in its morbidity.

“C’mon,” Jamil says, and she takes Natalya’s hand. “Lemme paint your nails and tell you about my girl problems.”

Natalya smiles at her and lets Jamil tug her from the room.

 

* * *

 

The same day that the roboticist Sokrates found removes the Rigour tech from the back of her neck, Jace manages to set her up an untraceable channel to talk to Tea.

She spends about an hour just pacing in front of the screen, worrying at her lower lip and resisting the urge to rub at the wounds on the back of her neck, working up the courage to just send the first message. She spends another hour lying on the floor just trying to come up with something to say, something witty or reassuring that will make up for the last year or so of radio silence.

Maybe Tea won’t want to talk to her. Maybe she’s just wasting her time sitting here stressing over the perfect words to write and to say because Tea won’t even respond to her and oh god she’s written something and sent it huh.

Natalya lies down on the floor again, hands over her face. Well, time to go crawl back into Sokrates’s beautiful bathtub and not come out until all her skin has become as wrinkly as her gran was. The words “ **So September storms are not all they’re cracked up to be, it turns out** ” are burned into her brain and she’s never going to live this down, Tea’s definitely not gonna respond to her now—

There’s a ping.

And then another one, and another one, and a fourth, and Natalya scrambles to her knees, wincing as they creak badly, to see. She’s got four messages from Tea—

> **teakenridge: NAT?!?!?!** ****  
>  **teakenridge: What are you** **  
>  ** **teakenridge: I don’t** **  
>  ** **teakenridge: Holy fuck, it’s good to hear from you.**

Natalya’s hitting the call button before she can stop herself, waiting with bated breath and anxiously fixing her hair in the tiny popup of herself she can see, and Tea picks up the call right away, in the process of running a hand back through her own hair. A grin explodes across her face as she realized who’s on the other side, and just as suddenly Natalya can breathe again.

“Nat,” Tea says. “It  _ is _ you. Holy shit.”

“Hey,” Natalya says, and a smile starts to creep across her face.

**Author's Note:**

> yes sokrates pulls integrity from natalya and then she hangs out on apostolos for a while and sits on a beach
> 
> if you wanna come talk to me about saving folks from rigour and also natalya greaves find me on twitter @citadelofswords


End file.
